How to figure out what matters to you
To figure out what matters to you during a life change, start with a recent moment you wanted to keep, missed, or wished had been different. Name what felt important in that moment, then consider one small way to give it room this week. You do not need a complete list of values or a decision about your whole future.
How do you figure out what matters to you during a change?
Look at a specific experience before choosing an abstract word like freedom, connection or security. An ordinary moment gives you something to examine: what happened, what you wanted, and what that might mean. Treat your answer as a possibility to explore, not a verdict about who you are.
You can try the following reflection on paper or quietly in your head. A few sentences are enough; skip any part that does not feel useful.
1. Name the change without solving it
Try completing this sentence:
“The change taking up space in my life is…”
Keep the description concrete. “My children have moved out” gives you a clearer starting point than “I need a new purpose.” “My work schedule is changing” leaves room to explore the change without deciding whether it is good or bad.
If several things are changing, choose one for now. You are narrowing the reflection, not deciding that the others do not matter.
2. Choose one moment that caught your attention
Think of a recent moment connected to the change. You might ask:
- When did I feel glad to be doing what I was doing?
- What have I missed since this change began?
- When did I agree to something but wish I had answered differently?
Describe what happened before explaining it. “I enjoyed a walk with a friend because we had time to talk” is more useful here than “I value relationships.” The detail helps you see what kind of connection you want.
A difficult moment can be a clue, but it is not proof of a hidden value. Being irritated by a request might mean you want more choice. It might also mean you are tired. Leave room for both.
3. Put what matters into your own words
Ask:
“What did I want more room for in that moment?”
Your answer might be a value, a practical need, or something you want to protect. You do not have to sort it perfectly before responding to it.
A personal value is a quality or direction you want to express in how you live. A goal is an outcome you can reach. For example, staying curious is a value; completing a course is a goal.
Use a phrase that means something to you. “Time to think before I agree” may be clearer than “autonomy.” “Keeping in touch without filling every evening” may fit better than “social connection.”
If you prefer choosing from a list, Action for Happiness offers a priorities-ranking exercise. It asks you to rank 18 areas of life and compare your priorities with how you spend your time. The reflection here starts with one moment instead; either approach can give you something to explore.
4. Try one small action, then look again
Consider this invitation:
“What would give that important thing a little more room this week?”
Choose something small enough to try within your actual circumstances. You might ask a question, make a request, protect a short stretch of time, or gather information. Noticing a value does not require an immediate career change, move or difficult conversation.
Afterwards, ask: “Did this make room for what I meant? What would I keep or change?” You can revise the action—or your interpretation of what mattered.
An example: connection without losing rest
Imagine someone whose new work schedule makes evenings less predictable. They miss seeing friends, but they also need downtime. This is an illustrative example, not a participant story.
| Part of the reflection | A possible response |
|---|---|
| The change | “My working hours are shifting.” |
| One recent moment | “I liked a short walk with a friend. A late dinner invitation felt like too much.” |
| What might matter | “Keeping close friendships, with enough rest.” |
| A small action | “Ask whether a friend would like a short weekend walk.” |
| What to revisit | “Did the walk leave room for both connection and rest?” |
Neither friendship nor rest has to win permanently. The useful question is what could honour both in the situation you have now.
What if you still do not know?
“I do not know yet” is a usable answer. Try a smaller question: “What would make tomorrow a little more manageable?” You might name a practical need before you can name a larger direction.
Watch for three ways this reflection can become less helpful:
- Choosing the impressive answer. If you write what you think you should value, ask for one ordinary example of wanting it yourself. Keep or change the answer based on what you notice.
- Treating your calendar as a verdict. How you spend time also reflects work, money, health and caring responsibilities. A lack of time for something does not prove it is unimportant.
- Turning a clue into a major commitment. Before acting on “I want more independence,” consider a smaller test, such as making one choice for yourself or researching an option without committing.
You can leave the page with a question rather than an action. If the reflection becomes uncomfortable, pause or stop.
Try a guided version
Richardbutler.coach offers a free three-question reflection about what matters right now. It asks about a change, what feels important within it, and what could give that a little more room. You can write, think quietly or skip a question, then review your responses at the end. No email or payment is needed to begin.
This is self-guided reflection, not therapy or crisis care. If distress is persistent or affects daily life, consider support from a qualified mental-health professional rather than relying on an exercise alone.